Review of Choosing a Good Wife Part 3, K-O

Part 1

Part 2

K: Know Yourself and Your Future Mate

I almost fainted. This is the second chapter that actually has some good marital advice. Just like the bible, however, you have to really dig through muck and wrong information to find it.

The good stuff: If there's a problem in the relationship, don't assume that it'll get better. Weigh whether this issue getting worse is a deal breaker (because they're likely putting more effort into it now than they will later). Wow, solid advice?!

Of course, Wood recommends getting to take the time to slowly get to know your partner very well before settling down, so that you can iron these issues out beforehand. (Well, you will know them very well except for how well they can kiss.) Of course, this is where stuff gets confusing. If you're not supposed to go out on dates, and you're not supposed to hold out too long lest you fall into the temptation of sin, how are you supposed to get to know your partner?

Under the watchful gaze of her family. You must do everything with her family, with your family. It just emphasizes the creation of this unbreakable social tie to the husband, to the family, to the church, making it so that leaving any part of it becomes that much more difficult.

It's hilarious because they emphasize not making decisions in a fit of lust, but if you can't have sex until marriage. I can see how that would prevent lustful desires overpowering you.

L: Love is Blind - but Premarital Inventories Aid Sight Recovery

This chapter is filled with suggestions for other Christian companies that offer premarital counseling and programs. The book has been doing a steady job of telling the reader that not only is this a hard decision, but it is one that you must make while balancing impossible standards of morality. It warns you that your own judgement is weak, that it requires this mysterious other to keep it going, and here is happily gives you resources to the others. I can only imagine the filth these premarital counselors give; if the book is merely a gateway, I'm worried about what the hardcore stuff tells its audience.

Now of course, premarital counseling is a good idea. Russell and I got a discount on our marriage certificate by taking one, and it was pretty fun. Guides on how to have healthy relationships wasn't as class I got to take until college, and honestly more people need to learn the basics like how to have a healthy argument, how to have a good rapport, and how to be accommodating. Even regular-day people don't get these messages from media: the last time I read Cosmo / Men's Health, the advice included crap about lying, tricking, and manipulating (eg: insult her a little to make her like your challenge, flirt with others to make him jealous, pretend like you're busy when you're not, etc, etc). People need good relationship advice and premarital counseling is a good way to get that.

The problem is that usually Christian-based services care less about what works than they do about what the bible says. The bible says women are subservient, so they glorify the woman's role of being herded by her husband. There's no emphasis on equality or egalitarian roles (which does correlate with happy healthy relationships and good conflict resolution skills).

M: Marriage is a Sacrament - a Mystery of Grace and Love

I absolutely love the title of this chapter. Marriage, what is it? I dunno, some kind of mystery! Interestingly enough, that mystery never does get explained. It's just a "sacrament" or a "covenant". This chapter decries how the government has tried to take the magic out of a marriage by defining it and giving it rules. That apparently is horrible to this mysterious mystery of a sacred sacrament.

The biblical justification: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it"

They also compare marriage to the unity of the burning love within holy trinity, making this into some kind of weird threesome of a relationship between the two married people and Jesus. Perhaps this threesome is the mystery that is being so heavily alluded to.

More biblical context: "As Moses was told to remove his shoes before the burning bush because he was standing on holy ground, so with reverence are we to regard the sacrament of marriage".

I uh, what? Kind of a weird tie-in.

N: Narcissistic Women

The sexist advice: Well, this whole chapter, for sure. I will say that it's generally very good advice to avoid someone who has an inflated ego, but if your religion tells you that women are inherently inferior to men, then your definition of an inflated ego is someone who thinks they're equal to you.

Among the warning signs are someone with good looks, wears makeup, has intelligence, talent or wealth. She is more likely to attribute these blessings to her own self-motivation instead of god. If you've read the original Stepford Wives, this is the sort of stuff the Stepford Husbands were complaining about. He also warns against damaged women from broken homes. The author instead urges men to seek women who are more modest and humble (read: they won't believe that they deserve better.)

O: Occasional Fights are Okay - Really!

The good stuff: In the middle of this book, right after the chapter about uppity women, is a chapter that's nearly completely good advice with just a few bible verses sprinkled in. Not surprisingly, it's the chapter that the author embarrassingly admits is based on "secular" research. It's all about how to have a fight that doesn't devolve into hurt. The basics of that, quickly:

1. Avoid personalizing the fight with insults. Discuss only the single issue.

2. If you need a break, say so and take time to come back later. Don't keep going in a heightened state.

3. Extend an olive branch and accept olive branches from your partner.

4. Make sure that the positive interactions in your marriage far outweigh the negatives.

They even mention PREP (premarital training) and that there are Christian alternatives.

The biblical justification: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger". There are two other proverbs that say about the same thing. While this doesn't add much, I'd like to point out how, as advice, it pales in comparison to the knowledge added by secular research. Look how little the bible verse adds to the knowledge of how to treat a partner. It's almost like a fortune cookie message. Research has inspired this chapter, not god.

Next Episode: Pray for a Good Wife