Review of Choosing a Good Wife Part 1, A-E

Not too long ago, I finished reading A Billion Wicked Thoughts, a book about porn searches on the internet. It was interesting, but not quite what I expected. A very vanilla explanation of evolutionary psychology with some study data sprinkled in. It was a lot of psychology theory I had already studied ad nauseum, and not much analysis or discussion of methods and data from the focal study, which is what I really wanted. I think it's a fine book, especially for people who would like to know the psychological history, but I found the generalizations a bit annoying (men like this, women like that, gay men like the other, and lesbians merit a paragraph). On the whole, though, it was a pretty sex-positive book. Which got me thinking about all the Christian sex-negative books. Combine this with the adverts on Wretched Radio (credit to JD for turning me on to that crazy) and I decided to go out and find some crazy anti-porn propaganda.

One trip to Half-price Books didn't yield quite the book I wanted (although a fan might!), and I settled for another one instead: The ABC's of Choosing a Good Wife: How to find and marry a good girl. I skimmed through it, and it did have an anti-porn message, so I decided to give it a go. Also, because my marriage to Russell Glasser is coming up, it felt even more appropriate. I could let Russell know if he was indeed Choosing a Good wife. (Spoiler: probably not.)

I liked the introduction to this book, because in reality the connection between the bible and good relationship advice is really stretched. The bible has a lot of smut that's just men and women whoring around, and whenever the bible does give specific advice or edicts, it tends to be really dark stuff, like having a rapist marry his victim, and treating the ceremony like a property transfer. I can bet that kind of concrete bible advice is not in this book.

Additionally, like most Christian media, the focus is not on providing advice that works, but advice that glorifies religion first and then maybe also discusses the topic. They care more about glorifying god than writing a good book. Look at how awkwardly the author has to bend over to stress that having a good relationship is important, but not too important: "Except for the decision to make Jesus Christ lord of your life, choosing a wife is the most important decision you will ever make." Groan.

Each chapter is a letter (because it's the ABC's, you see) and I'm 5 letters in an already pulling my hair out. I was unprepared for this level of just ignorance. So here's A through E.


A: Attraction

The uplifting story: Pen pals meet each other for the first time, and the guy is willing to give an ugly girl a chance… at friendship. Luckily, the pen pal was actually a hot girl instead.

I'm not really sure what the point of this story was. This man fell in love with the notes written on the edges of a book, tracks the woman down and then goes to meet her. Kind of a creepy way to meet, but that's getting close to hypocrisy territory for me, so whatever. When he gets to the meeting point, he sees this totally hot babe who flirts with him, and barely manages to contain his excitement and wait for… some dumpy cankled woman wearing the rose. His boner falls, and goes to meet her resolving to be friends, but the ugly, unmarryable woman tells him the hottie was just testing him.

So, yay? The point was supposed to be something about inner beauty, but outer beauty was the reward, and the ugly woman was still treated as unsuitable material. Also the descriptions of how the man was just so bedazzled and enthralled really makes me wonder if he masturbates enough.

The cautionary tale: This chapter was lucky enough to have two stories. A college man sees a hot babe and decides right then that he wants to marry her. After dating for a bit they do get married, and it turns out not to work.

This one just cracks me up. It is nothing but a set up for eventually saying that dating and trusting your own instincts will fail. If you date, if you evaluate that person yourself, you will fail. Dating is not a reliable method for finding a mate. I also loved how they emphasized that the man decided at first sight that he wanted to marry someone, and then her consent or input was not important. I don't think this author really knows how people decide to date. Or perhaps he is confusing "wanting to marry" with "wanting to fuck".

The biblical justification: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain."

The sexist message: Did you know that women are totally hot babes by the grace of God? "God designed a woman's body to radiate more beauty than any of His other works." Great, where does that leave men? Down with the snails? Also, this sort of thing seems to be intended to be a compliment, but it's really just objectifying, making women like sculpted pieces of art instead people.

Also, did you know that while God loves creating art, he absolutely HATES displaying it. "Many Immodest women are literally 'letting it all hang out'… A lack of modesty in a very real way profanes the sacredness of a woman's body." Of course there's this bullshit imposing modesty standards on how women dress and display their own bodies, because according to Christianity women don't own their bodies. They're temples to God.

B: Before you Say I do, Beware of the Trigger Effect

The cautionary tale: You dated a woman who seemed nice, but then she suddenly snapped a few years later.

Again, this is trying to set up the notion that dating, trusting your own judgment will fail. You can't just date someone by themselves, you have to get involved with the family. There's warnings against women who come from divorced families. There's a fair amount of pseudscience about women growing up without a man being emotionally disadvantaged because of the lack of a good male figure in their life. They also caution against women who were sexually assaulted, but are polite enough not to blame her for that embarrassing situation.

The biblical justification: none offered.

C: Cohabitation

Backwards thinking: This chapter seems to use cohabitation and premarital sex interchangeably, which isn't surprising, considering that they use statistics that couples cohabiting before marriage are slightly more likely to get a divorce, and try to tie that together with premarital sex also increasing the likelihood of divorce, which is not true. It's very telling that they use staying together in a marriage as a measure of the marriage's success, not couple happiness or relationship health. It's much more likely that couples who would never cohabit would also never leave a marriage, even one that was abusive or loveless.

The author claims that focusing on verbal communication is important (more important that physical communication. I wonder about this author's sex life. Do he and his wife never talk about what they want from sex? Also I wonder how he thinks that two aspects of a relationship that are so intertwined wouldn't grow together. It's like saying, "I'd rather not focus on steering and acceleration at the same time, just one first, then the other." The two parts of the relationship are linked, and it's silly to expect one to magically stay off, then switch to full intensity while the other is slowly grown.

Biblical justification: "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I therefore take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! DO you not know that he who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, "The two shall become one".

I like how as the chapter progresses, it gets more and more accusatory. First, it conflates living together with sleeping together, then sleeping together with hiring a prostitute. That's what this man thinks about women who cohabit: it's just a man hiring a prostitute. He completely strips the relationship of the emotional meaning and family structure and just makes it only about the sex. Christians get really hung up about that.

The cautionary tale: A story out of left field. A navy man got swindled into a marriage by a floozy who wanted to kill him to collect the insurance money.

I'm not sure what the point of this story was, considering this was supposed to be about cohabiting. I guess this is more exciting? Anyway, again, it confuses living together with sleeping together, and then also with being slutty and now also murderous. I think it's just try warn caution against those evil women who just want to settle down and take advantage of you.

The chapter ends by warning me that if I'm cohabiting, I should put down this book and fix that right away. Well, that's me. I feel insufficiently motivated.

D: Dating or Courtship?

Anti-science rhetoric: While trying to promote their ideology using statistics, unfortunately the majority of science disagrees with their antiquated ideas. So they have to disparage modern thinking. The book goes on to say that "Enlightened" societies have mistakenly bought into this culture of dating. He promotes ancient courtship monitored by the family as far superior. He goes on to laughably claim "Courtship will gain popular appeal in our culture as positive results are demonstrated in the lives of twenty-first century 'courtship pioneers.'" He cites no evidence, but has faith that courtship will lead to fewer divorces and better family cohesion, but really the main thrust of his argument is that family monitoring will curtail premarital sex.

Creating this family dependence, this close-knit cohesion is a really common cult tactic of Christianity. It makes a social dependence on the family, the religion and the church, and ties them all together to prevent leaving or deviation. Getting the family involved with the romance is just another way of this. This shit got creepy fast.

Laughable advice: And then it gets silly again right quick. The author suggests that instead of going out on dates, have dinners games and everything with the families. If the two of you are away in college, seek out a Mentoring Couple. He even gives organizations that seem to specialize in this and (coded?) abstinence pledges for males. If all else fails, he advises, stick to chaperoned dates. And of course, ask the father before even starting courtship.

Sexist message: Did you know that men who abstain are gallant? "Men are capable of great gallantry… Rather than being a semi-barbarian fixated on self and taking advantage of women, you can become a gallant man, self-sacrificing for the welfare of the woman in your life." The language harkens back to Mr. Bachmann's lisping decrying of the gay barbarians who need to be tamed. Again, it's this same sort of fake compliment that's actually just a form of objectification. A man who doesn't have sex is a knight, and a man who does is a filthy barbarian. It's sexist and creates these unrealistic expectations that hate on being human. It tries to sexy up the knight figure by claiming that "Every girl dreams of that special knight who will appear and claim her as his own forever." which again, just makes the man into some sort of objectified dream object.

And of course, how does this treat the woman? Pining away, waiting for someone else to come and fix them. They also cannot consent to sex, as sex will interfere with their welfare, but can only be taken advantage of.

Biblical justification: none, which is too bad. The bit about "a special knight appearing and claiming her as his own forever" would have really fit in with the biblical edict of rapists marrying their victims.

E: Earlier or Later Marriage?

Anti-science rhetoric: Get married at 20-25. Any later and you will fall into the temptation of sex. Don't worry about finishing college, don't worry about building up assets, and don't try out the relationship first. Besides, your marriage prospects dwindle the longer you wait.

Biblical justification:
All of that advice gets trashed in the advice of some quoted preacher who gives this long speech:

"But at the season of marriage, let no one defer it. Behold, I speak the words of a matchmaker, that you should let your sons marry. … When your son is grown up, before he enters upon warfare, or any other course of life, consider his marriage. And if he sees that you will soon take a bride for him, and that the time intervening will be short, he will be able to endure the flame [of passion] patiently. But if he perceives that you are remiss and slow, and wait until he acquires a large income, and then you will contract a marriage for him, despairing at the length of the time, he will readily fall into fornication. But alas! The root of all evil here also is the love of money. Theremore I exhort you first to regulate well their souls. If he finds his bride chaste, and knows her body alone, then his desire will be vehement, and his fear of God the greater, and the marriage truly honorable, receiving bodies pure and undefiled."

[brackets belong to original author]

That speech is supposedly based on 1 Thessalonians 4:3 "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication." Quite the extrapolation, don't you think?

This is all nonsense because it flies in the face of known statistics. And the book even admits that (marriage at 20-21 is twice as likely to divorce as opposed to 24-25, yet they still recommend 20 as a good age). Statistics say that it's best to get your own ducks in a row before you get married to someone else. Figure out who you are, what you want to be, where you want to go, and get a financial plan together. Get yourself right before you get with someone else, and the quality of the relationship will be vastly improved. In a way, the book has to acknowledge this, but worms out of it by saying that you should wait a little bit but not too much.

It encourages some establishment, because really that's what works, but cautions against too much establishment or else there will be a temptation to have sex. That's it' that's the only reason. The best thing about this is that he mentions that Jews became men at 12, so maybe modern people should start working on getting careers earlier instead of waiting so long to go through so much school and really maximizing their potential. Of course, the complicated stuff that we need to do now as opposed to 2000 years ago often need much more training. The complicated social and training structure along with longer lifetimes is outstripping our biology's onset of puberty, and he'd rather shed all that advancement to prevent the hormones from making unwed couples have sex.

Next episode: F: Family Finances